tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
