I got chris browned last night
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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