I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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