Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
