I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
