Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
