Pants 0. Shit 1.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
