I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I just gift wrapped bread.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
