Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
