O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
