why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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