Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
