If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
how do you play pong handcuffed?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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