Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
