Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Randomize
