Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
