yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize