she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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