hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
