Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
