Is it normal to miss your booty call?
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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