In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
