just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize