How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
