If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
