the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
