i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize