When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
