I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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