Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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