He is like the real live version of the state fair..
found the other keg... it's in the tree
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
