Will you blow on my dice?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
