You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
