I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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