Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
