oh god the rape fog is back!
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Even my vagina gasped.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
