I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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