I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
