Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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