You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
