I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
