dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize