Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
