He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
