What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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