see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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