did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
