I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
