The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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