Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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