I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
