My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
