The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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