you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
