So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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