I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
